Insulating and Isolating Behavior
Do men really need unique help to heal from their toxic mother’s wounds?
I asked an acquaintance for feedback on my book. I pursued her because she was an accomplished writer of Christian books. I had recently learned she grew up with a toxic mother. From a former season in my life, my intuition had guided me to avoid a full-fledged friendship with her since she seemed to have the world already figured out, for herself and everyone else with whom she interacted. If you’ve read my book, this sort of person scared me when I was a young married man, but I thought my skin had thickened after 30 years. Her biggest concerns were why I singled out men for needing their own support for healing from the abuses of a toxic mother. She was unwilling or unable to see a male perspective, and way overconfident of her own judgment. Sound toxic? Inside her very echo chamber, she had insulated and isolated herself. Her arguments were a set of rules-to-live-by she was imposing for reasons way beyond helping sons heal.
This critic insisted all of the research out there is for men and women alike, and that it’s the same for both genders. She did not think through her own advice. Her ignorance showed itself when she insisted that in her world, the “enlightened” men who have already healed from their mother- wounds would be offended by my assumptions that they needed specialized help. If these men take offense and are not overjoyed that there is another source out here to help us fellow sons heal and become men of loving integrity, then they have not healed well. Rules-to-live-by and attitudes like these shackle or discourage us from taking positive, proactive steps to heal. From interviewing men for this book, leading men’s retreats, personal experience, and actual research data, men really do come up short when attempting to sort out the condition of their life in response to their toxic mothers. Let’s take a look at some of the reasons why. They all fall into a phenomenon I call insulating or isolating behavior.
According to the research cited here and elsewhere in the mental health profession, men insulate and isolate themselves in many ways, four of which are listed below. This indicates a need for gender-specific solutions and advice.
ONE: Men create and experience unique internal obstacles and *rules-to-live-by that prevent them from seeking the help they need to heal from their mother wounds.
Men create crises and make impulsive decisions that insulate them from healthy input of others. Not only are the consequences of those crises and decisions different for men than for women, but society’s responses to such situations differ toward men rather than women. Our rules-to- live-by might look like women’s rules, but how we demand other people meet those rules and how we internalize the rules of others takes on a uniquely male modus operandi. For example, some women can temporarily skirt the shame of an impulsive decision to quit work due to their disdain for authority by hiding behind motherhood or church service or something similar. Abandoning your work, your life and your conscience and becoming a mother seems to be a virtuous act for a while, and society even supports such women and decisions. When men walk away from their job, their life and their conscience, they are immediately seen as irresponsible and lazy. The man goes down a shame spiral that produces an internal dialogue only men can understand. When our vulnerabilities are exposed, we sons insulate or isolate ourselves, high jacking our ability to begin the first step in healing: take responsibility for our own toxic rules- to-live-by.
TWO: Unlike women, men don’t naturally form transparent support groups that function as a safe haven to share their pain and develop healthy relationships like an intentional, self-made family.
I have friends, a husband and wife, both of whom grew up with intensely toxic mothers. When problems arose in their marriage, she immediately had friends rallying and counselors to see. She sought out advice from the other women with whom she had cultivated open, honest, supportive relationships. He had retreated into himself and into acts of emotional infidelity. He had insulated and isolated himself, admitting that he could turn on the Christian charm, the accomplished professional persona, the sportsman, and then hide everything else that brought him shame and made his life and his marriage fragile. Every male friend he had thought he hung the moon: trophy wife, athletic, empathetic medical career, son of a missionary and missionary himself… a hero. Hence, his male friends never reached out, never knew he was struggling and were comfortable with his pretense. We left him alone because he had “the perfect life.”
Men, in general, are rarely taught directly how to form safe, healthy, transparent groups where they can share with their male peers. Women do this naturally or are taught at young ages to share intimately and compassionately with each other. This is the basis for my retreats. The good news is that some men ARE being taught and the even better news is that we can learn. Men and women alike who’ve survived a toxic mother, insulate or isolate ourselves to protect us from the pain and brokenness of having survived, but men differ from women in the way they rely on opportunities and processes to grow and heal with healthy input from healthy others. My friend insulated himself with better-than-life pretense. He isolated himself from anyone who could or would give him healthy support and input. His healing happened when he sought extreme group therapy in a male-only environment where everyone struggled with issues similar to his.
THREE: There are unique and effective outcomes in single-sex therapy. Wisdom and professional advice are needed to choose what is best, especially when it comes to mental health therapy such as addiction recovery groups.
Addiction affects each individual in unique ways. The need for gender-specific therapy allows the health care provider to customize the therapy according to what each patient needs. So, men who struggle with addiction to sex with women, for example, would probably fair better in an all-male, heterosexual group therapy, unless the female perspective and presence served as part of the therapy. We’ve already established that men internalize deep-rooted shame and pain and find it unsafe to discuss it publicly. Part of the men-only therapy is help men develop trust in other men and the courage to make himself vulnerable. https://pathwaytohope.net/treatment/gender-specific-therapy/
FOUR: Men underperform in coed learning environments, presumably because of the pressures of social interaction and stereotypes of the both sexes.
Men and women learn differently. Society’s pressure and stereotypes play a significant role in how men insulate and isolate, causing them to learn and perform differently than women. If this duality affects male participation in the learning process, think how those issues are exacerbated by the personal, vulnerable disclosure of intimate details regarding our woundedness or victimization from our toxic mother. The goal of therapy is to learn new ways to respond to the brokenness in which we find ourselves. If men carry a stigma to expose their weaknesses, they will not benefit fully from the lessons group therapy can provide.
CONCLUSION
The existence of female-oriented OR coed advice for healing from our toxic mothers is helpful to us all. But, so is male-specific healing. My critic at the beginning of this blog post has never been a man. She cannot ever understand that men simply do not feel free to share their deepest secrets, failures, and idiosyncrasies in front of one woman let alone hundreds. Imagine one man sharing his sex addiction habits in front of dozens of women with no other male support in the room. Men need their own space, their own freedom, their own male-heavy support group willing to listen to and love each other in healthy ways that encourage us to heal. We need help overcoming the obstacles to our healing, one of which our insulating and isolating behavior. It is uniquely up to us to begin that process. Tell me what you think. Healthy dialogue drives us to find what’s right and meaningful for us personally. How has your insulating or isolating behavior affected your progress in healing? How have you begun to change those habits? Do you agree with my critic? Why or why not?
This website has many other resources, services and exercises that can help in your search for healing, all also packaged nicely in my book, Toxic Mothers: A Son’s Guide to Healing and Moving on.
REFERENCES
1. Lynch, Louise and Long, Maggie (2018). Young Men, Help-Seeking, and Mental Health Services: Exploring Barriers and Solutions. American Journal of Men’s Health 2018, Vol. 12(1) 138–149. Los Angeles, CA: Sage Publications, Inc.
2. McKenzie, Sarah K., Collings, Sunny, and Jenkins, Gabrielle (2018). Masculinity, Social Connectedness, and Mental Health: Men’s Diverse Patterns of Practice American Journal of Men’s Health, Volume: 12 12 issue: 5 pages, pages 1247-1261. Los Angeles, CA: Sage Publications, Inc.
3. Mathers, Cortland A. (2008). The role of single-sex and coeducational instruction on boys; attitudes and self- perceptions of competence in French language communicative activities. Persistent link: http://hdl.handle.net/2345/592 Boston College University Libraries. Boston College Electronic Thesis or Dissertation
*The concept of rules-to-live-by is addressed in my book in detail and will be a topic for this blog in the near future.