What Are Rules-To-Live-By and Why Should I Care?

How is it that we can live our lives and react to external circumstances completely unaware of the feelings, thoughts, or even the origins of those reactions? As my book states, men especially bumble, blaze and back away from the awkward relational dynamics that result from our lack of self-reflection. We might find out we hurt someone unintentionally or, like me, we might rage at our children after an intense, toxic exchange with our mothers. We bumble- shirking our responsibility to grow from the experience. Or, we blaze- ignoring anyone’s and everyone’s feelings regarding the incident, justifying our reaction no matter how lame or hurtful it is. Or, we back away from it and live in our own insulated and isolated bubble of people and situations that never challenge us to become better at loving others or ourselves better. Ultimately, without good, honest self-reflection, our lives will remain stagnant, creating fodder for our shame and lack of virtue and integrity.

Lots is written in the mental health/psychology world about how we can make those kinds of changes, and this article is BY FAR the best I’ve ever seen about where to begin. https://medium.com/the-understanding-project/the-elements-of-self-reflection-cdf7aa70ed2e Go there! Read it! Nick Wignall nails it! Any change in the way we handle life as it comes at us begins with the quality of our self-reflection.

When we self-reflect in the context of our toxic mothers, we begin to see two things clearly. First, bumbling, blazing and backing away only encourages us to blame our abusive mothers for our own poorly constructed character and integrity. Blaming is not a get-out-of-jail card for being an abusive dick where we get to live our lives with no consequences for or responsibility of our thoughts, feelings, motivations and behaviors. We must own our internal reactions to our personal toxicity AND how that toxicity forms the basis for our own inappropriate demands and behaviors toward others and ourselves. Second, through self-reflection, we can choose the kind of person we want to become and undo the negative effects of our bumbling, blazing, backing away and blaming. This then lays the groundwork to begin healing and becoming a loving man of integrity and virtue- what I believe the be the ultimate goal of healing from any trauma, dysfunction, abuse or whatever.

Bumble, Blaze, Back Away

or Blame

In my book and my retreats, I have packaged even more than Nick Wignall’s insights into a clever technique to help us channel our efforts to become more self-reflective. In the context of our trampled identities due to our mother’s oppressive escapades, we can begin at stage one of my healing process:  take ownership of your own toxicity and identify the source of your mother’s. This is done using the same concept:  rules-to-live-by, or RTLB.

Before you determine if you or your mother’s RTLB are toxic (addressed in the next blog) and begin to develop your personal virtue and integrity, you must first know what RTLB are. 

Life Happens When…

We all make our way in this world seeking “life,” however we choose consciously or unconsciously to define it. We believe that life only comes if we do something specific or get someone else to do what we deem necessary or essential to bring us the life we deserve. We also might believe that if we acquire something special or make someone else provide us with such that something (e.g., love, companionship, money, attention, entertainment, or whatever), then our lives will be better than they were and probably better than other people’s. “More” or “better” than others becomes the standard by which we gage our success. For example, our mothers may believe we need their “wisdom” or we will fall on our butts. Their RTLB might be, “If X happens, then my life will continue or improve, or, your life will make my life better.” Using RTLB, then, helps us channel our self-reflection and transform it into intentioned action points for healing. 

What Brings Us Life? We can intentionally identify what we think might bring us “life” or what our mothers might believe will bring us or themselves life. Simply fill in the blank:

That person’s life will be better if s/he _______.

My life will be better when my mother _______.

I won’t be happy until I/you/they/he/she _______.

My life will start to be mine as soon as _______.

Why don’t you/he/she/they just ______? Their life would be some much better and that would make mine better, too.

“These rules-to-live-by are innocuous, casual attitudes or quick observations.” we might say. But, everybody lives by them; everybody forms them. It is part of the human condition. We sons must learn to recognize them in ourselves and then admit humbly and honestly how we are enforcing them… onto ourselves, onto others. Are they healthy? Do they promote the habits and character that I want to see in myself? This is why Nick Wignall’s self-reflection tips are crucial! Do you even have regrets over how you impose your RTLB on others? Have you hurt others in doing so? Does following your RTLB or (other people’s) prohibit you from developing into the man you want to be? Have you even thought of what kind of man you wish to be?

 So, Why Should You Care?

If you are not in the business of regularly and purposefully evaluating your own RTLB and then creating ones that cultivate the virtues you want to practice, you will be following someone else’s rules- whether they are toxic or not. 

 If these RTLB are randomly generated and you respond with unfiltered reactions to random surrounding toxic RTLB from others, then you will naturally reinforce and design toxic RTLB yourself, with no awareness that it is happening.

 As we’ll see in other blog posts here in Moving On, we sons especially need an interrupter to help us begin to change and heal into people we want to be and respect. That interruption comes in the form of a well-intentioned plan to develop new RTLB that include the kinds of virtues and behaviors we hope will be part of our habitual character. And, if we tie it to attempting to love ourselves and others boldly, (a practice that must be its own blog topic), then we know we will be executing a healing plan sustainable for the rest of our lives.

 Now What?

Have you thought about the kind of person you would like to be despite the toxic RTLB being enforced on you by a tyrant mother? Do you have a plan as to how to begin building the kind of virtue and character it would take to walk away from the negative influence and create new RTLB? Where does your heart and mind go when you are boxed in by your mother’s toxic RTLB? Are you aware of those rules? Do you understand how you have created habitual responses to those rules and how they are enforced? Reply below and tell us some rules that have shaped your life. Are you beginning to see consistency in your responses to toxic people or behaviors or RTLB? Do those responses display your proactive choice to love boldly and grow in virtue? Let us know.