Rules-To-Live-By Part 2: Identifying Rules-To-Live-By: How Do I Start?

In general, it is easier to detect your mother’s faults and RTLB than your own. I suggest you start with identifying some of your mother’s. Then, you can also see how they originated, how your mother reacted to her toxic environment to form her own RTLB and ultimately, how your reaction to your mother’s toxicity caused you to form your own set of personal RTLB, toxic or not. Sometimes it is not quite so obvious. 

Did she really just do that again? @%&$*!

 Identifying Your Mother’s Toxic Rules-to-Live-by

At our worst, men, especially men traumatized by the abuses of a toxic mother, sometimes find it difficult to conceptualize inner workings of our heart in ways that open the door to effective healing. At our best, we react gutturally and we let our emotions fester- such as resentment, hate, blame and anger. We simplify our need to heal by silently screaming the question WHY? It’s one thing to ask “Why am I hurt?” or “Why is this happening to me?” But, these questions do not lead to action points that will nudge us along the healing path. Self-pity, self-loathing,  self-righteous justification of my own resentment and my denial of how poorly I love others do not lead to creative ways to heal. When we begin looking at the origin and creation of our mother’s toxic RTLB, we can understand our own reaction to them, including the creation of our own toxic patterns and habits.  

For example, my mother’s siblings were all violently abused by their father while their mother sat on a chair and watched it, like the viewers of the Hunger Games. My mother stepped in to protect her two youngest siblings, taking his abuse instead of them. She developed the RTLB that she would protect her children from that behavior, and that she knew better than her parents how to raise and love her children. But in her own isolation and insulation, deciding her RTLB will bring her the life she deserves, she began imposing other, more toxic rules onto others, most of the time not even considering why she was even doing it. “My children will appreciate how I love them in ways that bring me public recognition and vindication over my own circumstances.” And another, “My children will not challenge the way I am raising them.” And still another, “I may punish/discipline my grandchildren how I want because my experiences have taught me exactly what should be done to raise perfect children.” 

 Remember, these rules do NOT become toxic until they are enforced inappropriately onto others. And, we sons are those others many times. In my book, I tell a true story that illustrates how we can all reflect on our personal RTLB and keep our personal toxicity in check. We must be aware of our own RTLB and work on giving grace to others instead of demanding they comply and give us the life we believe we deserve.

 While I was speaking with my 4-year-old daughter to correct the way she was handling my mother’s stuff, my mother publicly criticized me and my parenting style, declaring for all to hear that my children were spoiled brats, speaking to them does nothing, they need a good spanking, they’re going to grow up with no friends, my life is going to be miserable when they are older and so much more. Upon hearing such ugly statements, my daughter began to cry and my mother said, “See, I told you! She’s just manipulating you to get what she wants.” My mother was free to believe those things, but the way she imposed her rule that I acknowledge and apply her parental “wisdom” hurt me and my daughter. I had to ask myself again, what life-giving element is she expecting to receive from demanding I change my whole parental style according to her RTLB? 

Are you fu#$%&@!!! kidding me?

 Confession! Even though I was aware of her horrible childhood, I did NOT give my mother grace. I cursed at her and told her to butt out of my life. I did NOT keep my own RTLB to myself. I wanted to treat my mother with respect. I was demanding that my mother understand and affirm my own parental engagement. I deserved validation as a father, and my mother would give that to me! My daughter did not speak until very late in life. Her speech therapist told us to flood her with language, so we talked through everything. My toxic RTLB was that my mother would bring me life if and when she would just admit that she is as cruel as she claims her father was. For her to have experienced such abuse and to have beaten my brother and me ragefully for strange or unknown reasons is evidence to me that she has NOT dealt with her own abuse issues. She may NOT speak into my parental habits ever, especially if she is suggesting I hit my own children. 

 What would grace have looked like? I have no idea. Neither did I have the control to reflect on it. Now, I wish I had just swooped up my daughter and played Jenga away from the toxic sputum. But I didn’t. It would take even more years of intensive work and therapy to conjure up such love and forgiveness for my mother’s toxic RTLB.

CHALLENGE

In another blog, we’ll discuss how we can transform our toxic RTLB into virtuous ones that lead us to love others boldly. But for now, try to reflect on your own. What life do you believe you will receive or give to others based on your own RTLB? Is that life appropriate and instrumental to you growing into the kind of person you want to be? How do you impose those rules onto yourself and others? Does it hurt you or others? Decide if your RTLB and your mother’s are toxic or not. 

Please share some of your reflections in the comments. What RTLB did you discover? How did you know if they were toxic or not? What kind of person have you become because of your reaction to toxic RTLB? What is holding you back from becoming the kind of person you want to be? Remember, our job is not to validate your blame for your mother for making your life difficult. Instead, we can use the caustic memories to find out information that will start us on a path to healing ourselves into people who love and are loved boldly.