Toxicity: A Definition to Encourage Self-Reflection and Begin Healing

On our way to healing, we men are confronted by many issues that make our journey unique. Among those issues, we encounter difficulty (for whatever reasons) reflecting on our own behaviors and motivations. Neither do we see clearly the impacts we have (of any type) on other people. And, even if we are beginning to see our need to address toxicity, we seek quick and easy fixes that many times backfire on us. In order to heal sustainably, we need to know exactly what toxicity is and develop our ability to examine our inner workings:  our hearts, motivations, emotions, regrets. 

This is why my book begins with a definition of toxicity that men can understand and moves directly into the discussion of our own toxicity. Let’s break it down.

First Things First

This link is by far one of the most succinct and thorough articles about taking responsibility for our own toxicity:  https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/10156/am-i-toxic/ .  The article, however approaches the topic in a way that presents a challenge for some sons of toxic mothers. While we can have some sense that we, too, may be toxic, the abuses and our responses to them have conditioned us to place blame on others, one of the behaviors listed in the article itself. 

The article speaks eloquently of how behaviors are toxic, not people. But a lifetime of bumbling, blazing and backing away from a toxic mother characterizes us personally and not our behaviors. So we live life with our head down believing WE are toxic… or our head high in denial. This perspective places an obstacle in front of our ability to see how change will take place. 

Why can’t I pull myself out of this spiral? Why does it always end with someone getting hurt?

Now we can see why it is important to begin designing healing by applying two main concepts. First, we must embrace the definition. Toxicity is one person placing demands (a personal set of rules for the way life should be) on others and then insisting in destructive ways that those demands be met. Second, we must accept the fact that in order to determine if our ways are destructive, we must modify our lives to include the input and perspectives of others, especially those with whom we have a trusting relationship. This would include forcing ourselves to learn the virtues of introspection, humility, forgiveness, honesty and more. Some of us end up committing to one of two things. We might read an impersonal list like in this link and then say, “Well, if these are the behaviors that toxic people do, and some people say I’m toxic, then I’m toxic or these people are wrong. All I have to do is stop doing these behaviors (a task we all know is not easy at all) or stop listening to healthy input.” Neither conclusion takes any admission of agency. Or, we might hunker down and “work hard” on changing our character but lack a way to know or measure that we are indeed making honest progress. We flounder in a confusing, socio-political-cultural revolution of victimization and free expression.

We need another option that helps us reflect on how well we are loving ourselves and others boldly.

This is why the idea of rules-to-live-by (RTLB explained elsewhere in other posts and in my book) is inextricably connected to the idea of relationships between ourselves and anyone else. The idea that we must take ownership of our own toxicity and find healthier ways to begin changing into better men helps men uniquely to grow in their ability to self-regulate. If they can identify their toxic mother’s destructive RTLB, they must have to consider what she is demanding and how they are perceiving the destructive nature of her insistence. So, once we understand the idea of Rules-to-Live-by, we can immediately look at our own and assess what kind of impact those rules have on those around us, beginning with the people we want to love. We must examine the quality of each and every one of our relationships and identify any source or rules-to-live-by within us that hurts another person. Once we learn these introspective skills, then we can turn to the next phase in keeping with working on ourselves from the inside out carrying a defined set of criteria for successful healing.

What next? NOW is the time to be literal. We can decide the kind of virtues we want to develop in our character and then design new RTLB that help us develop virtues with integrity. We can step into life and apply those rules from the opportunities for us to love and be loved boldly. We know these rules are working in two ways. First, if the rules and the virtues are called up more and more often to address relationship conflicts, then we are beginning to become men of integrity- consistently demonstrating the virtues we have been so intentional to incorporate. Second, we know we are succeeding when we can see real evidence that our actions help restore others to a better relationship with themselves, us, others or God. 

All of this takes painstaking skill and motivation, which is not always there for us. That is why in all this, just like the linked article says, we’ve got to find some outside input that we trust can help us achieve our goals to become virtuous men of integrity whom we, ourselves can respect. Welcoming the healthy input of others will be the topic of another blog.

For Now, What Do You Think?

How do you feel when you read the list of toxic behaviors? Do you tend to think you can change simply by will power? When it comes to toxic behaviors, do you think the difficulty examining our own hearts and motivations is unique to sons of toxic mothers? Why is it easier to identify our mother’s toxic behaviors than our own? Have you ever tried to identify your own rules-to-live-by? How do you know if they are toxic according to our definition? Please comment here. If you can, help others in this blog community understand some of your virtuous rules-to-live-by and how they helped you take control of your healing. Write some in the comments section.